Have you ever been in heart-breaking love?  Not the kind that ends because someone has done the other harm. It does not end because one of the lovers desire to separate. It ends because of the many ways that life will step in and put an end to love.  I have been in that kind of love. It was so very painful  but so beautiful that it set the tone for the rest of my life. Once real love is experienced it is very hard to live with less.

I was barely twenty years old when a very unusual romance blossomed. I was a student on the campus of the University of New Orleans and I was becoming a woman. I had begun to picture my life. Busy in my studies and meeting new people from around the world. It was a fascinating time and I was open to life and whatever it would bring. I had developed a group of friends and they were comprised mostly of people from foreign countries. I was drawn to the music of their languages and the taste and smells of their cuisines and the mystery of their world views. I enjoyed long conversations for the first time in my life about such things as politics and religion and social norms and expectations. I loved it because I felt that the true me was emerging through these conversations that made me question myself and challenge others.

There was a group of Iranians on our campus and I had class with a couple of them. They were not a large group but perhaps fifty or so that had formed somewhat of a family for themselves. They were warm and fun and I got to know a few of them well through our classes. I hung out with a mixed group of students from around the world and I felt somehow exotic  in their presence. I am Creole, or mixed with French, African and Native American blood. Most people from other countries have a set idea of what the average American looks like but I did not fit the mold. I have always looked as though I could have belonged to any number of ethnic origins. I have olive skin and large brown eyes with brown to auburn hair. I have full features and many have taken me for Hispanic, Lebanese, Italian and French.  My new friends were fascinated with my diversity and unusual looks.  I was free to be myself away from any American expectation or predisposition about who I should be.

One day at lunch a young man approached our regular table and my Iranian friends   greeted him. He was very handsome and very polite. I was introduced to him along with the other friends. He stayed a moment and left the cafeteria. Over the course of the next few weeks he would routinely come into the cafeteria and stand at the front of the very large room and search the crowd. When he would find me there he would smile and wave and then leave again. I was confused at first and wondered if he was waving to someone close by. It was awkward to wave back but by the third time he would laugh a little each time he got me to wave as if to acknowledge that he got my attention- again. He was making me crazy with his obvious attentions but never making the attempt to actually speak to me.

One day I was in the library studying and suddenly a voice whispered in my ear and said “why are you sitting in such a dark place? Your beautiful eyes need better light” . I turned  and there he was. He sat and we began a conversation that lasted into the wee hours of morning. We sipped coffee at a nearby  coffee shop once the library closed us out. He was charming and brilliant and thoughtful and  very eager to know me. I was enchanted and found him to be the most forthright person I had ever known. He was open and honest and accepting of me in a way that made it so easy to fall for him. We spent 1 year together in that sweet time of youth. We fell deeply in love and it was a marriage of souls. We were very different from one another in some ways but our mind, body and souls were in unison. We spoke of marriage and a life together. My parents, though hesitant at first to imagine someone of Muslim background as a son-in-law, came to know him and love him. He was a great man who was very wise for his 25 years.  He taught me what unconditional love really was. He became a part of my family and the center of my world. But we would be torn apart by political circumstances. The hostage crisis of 1982 was the beginning  of the end for us. When protestors took over the US embassy in Iran our countries began a long suffering war with one-another that continues today. He had just finished his master’s degree in engineering and he was forced to decide whether he should remain in the US or return to Iran. He was afraid that he might not see his family again if he did not go. He had a twin brother back home and a father and mother who loved him dearly. His father was a prominent physician but getting on in years. So my sweet  Maziar decided to go home if only to see his parents again before settling in the US.

He left me standing in the middle of the street on a cold, winter’s day. He wanted me to go with him and a few friends to the airport to see him off. At the last minute I could not do it. Somehow I knew it would be the last time I would see him in person. He was never able to leave Iran once he arrived back home. We both cried with such ferocity that it was hard to remember the last look. I could not see past my tears and I remember him turning to kneel on the backseat as I walked behind the car as it drove away. It was my first great heart break. I still feel it 30 years later.

Recently I have been watching with great devotion a show on television called “Outlander”. It is the tale of a woman who travels back in time two-hundred years by accident. She claws and divines her way in order to survive in this foreign time and place.  She is at once rescued and kidnapped by a clan of Scottish men and she winds up married to one of them. They are strangers to one another but in short order they discover that their souls have a connection that is unexplainable. It is a love story that is so pure and well delivered that it pulls at the strings of the memory of my time with my first love. In “Outlander” these two spend time together and develop a deep love that survives many challenges. They too are parted by circumstances that leave them helpless to do anything but part.  As I look forward to and dread at the same time, the final episode of ‘Outlander” I am quietly holding on to my emotions. I don’t expect most people to understand how I could be so moved over a television show. It sounds comical at best. But, I have found that art can reflect life. I have found that my heart strings recognize familiar truths, even when they are not playing my song. I have felt a connection to a time or person in my life while reading a book or listening to a song and yes, even while watching television. In what started out to be a curiosity about a good show has developed into a personal connection to “Outlander”. It has delivered me back to a precious time in my life. It has reminded me of a gallant, handsome, strong and virile young man who loved me so well that it informed my choice of men for the rest of my life. I am happy to revisit that time of romance and magic and tragedy and loss. It is the stuff of life and art. I have been loved well and where-ever he is I thank him for loving me so deeply that his memory still lives in me…

Lately I have seen a pattern emerge among women I have spoken with concerning life. I find that many tend to hold on to thoughts, events and encounters that have caused them pain. I am one of those people who reacts to things rather quickly. I allow myself to feel the hurt or pain and then “look out“! I am going to deal with my emotions and the people who have caused me pain- immediately. I have to admit that sometimes it might be best to sit on the impulse to respond for a bit longer. But I am wired to “deal” with things so that I can return to what feels normal to me. In other words, I cannot rest in unrest. I need to know if you really meant to hurt me. I need to know if you are sorry. I need to know if you are someone I can trust and continue a relationship with. I don’t just throw people away when they upset me but if it is a habit of yours to upset me then I will find a way to avoid you.

My discussions of late have centered around the way some of us will just allow pain to take up residence in our lives. In life, we always have choices to make about who we want in our lives, why they deserve to be a part of our lives and how long we are going to allow a person to stick around when they demonstrate a lack of respect time after time. Now I realize that some people are hard to separate from and require more grace than others. If, for instance, we are talking about a parent or child then we have to really try every avenue to restore what may have been a healthy relationship. If we are talking about a friendship, even a long term friendship, that has gone sour perhaps a few self-directed questions can help us to move our lives along. The first question I would ask myself is; “How important is this person to my well being”? The second question would be; “How does this person positively contribute to my life”? The final question would be; “Can I move forward in my life without being in regular or frequent communication with this person and still be at peace”? If you can answer these questions honestly and determine that they are not important to your life, does not contribute anything positive and you would be happier not having to communicate with them, then you have your “get out of jail free” card! Let them go in peace. There is no need to have a long drawn out conversation. Just peacefully stop answering the phone. Do not respond to email or texting. If they decide to pay you a visit in person simply say that you are very busy and will give them a call when things settle down. If they insist that you speak with them simply say “I have decided to take a break from this relationship for a while” ask them to respect your wishes and end the conversation.

Life is too short to complicate it with people who do not or cannot bring light into your world. There are enough times in life when we are forced to manage difficult bosses, spoiled children or individuals who are ill. It is best to reserve your grace reservoir for those times and those folks. Most people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Recognize when the season is over and allow yourself and them to move on. There is so much joy to be found in this one life that we are allowed. Go out and find yours…

What a Year!

 

“Whew”, is the word I would use to describe 2015. What a roller coaster ride it was. This was truly “the” transition year of my life. Most times in life we are unaware of the transitions that occur throughout our lives. Many of them are organic growth patterns that are essential to our development as human beings. Most times we just go with the flow. We finish high school and go on to college or choose a way to make a living. We don’t think about how working or getting serious about college change us from the kids we were to the young adults we become. We begin to settle into our lives and suddenly we are 25 and completely adult. We are beginning to build our lives. Then all of a sudden we are married and learning to align ourselves alongside another human being. We don’t really stop and think about the fact that we are changing and growing and preparing for the next step life will deliver us to. I think as parents we first become aware that life has changed us. By that time we have lived long enough and worked hard enough and had enough struggle, loss, failure and success to see that we have traveled from youth to a place that we can start to gauge what sort of people we want to be. We start to think about who we want to be for our children. Life becomes more focused and purposeful. You can look back if you choose and see that some of life’s transitions have taken place.

I found myself in 2015 with some of the expected and natural transitions already planned. I looked forward to my youngest of two sons going all the way to California for college. I expected to miss him but I knew he would be happy, fulfilled and begin his journey into adulthood in a place that would nurture and prepare him for the world. I also expected this year to be a huge transition year because I would be marrying for the second time to the man of my dreams beyond dreams. He and I had shared an 8 year courtship and had already established what our future together would look like. I had to sell my home of 10 years that my boys grew up in. I had to move into my husband’s home that had already become over the years a second home for me and my boys. My eldest son was settled into college in Texas and not far from home. I looked forward to days that would be all about my sweet husband (still getting used to that word) and I just spending uninterrupted, quality time together.

But 2015 started off with my 79 year old mother passing away suddenly on New Year’s Eve morning. I was getting dressed and ready to start my day when the phone rang. I expected calls to start rolling in from my family wishing “Happy New Year” and checking in on the plans we had for getting together for dinner. A few days earlier, my mother had made a huge Christmas dinner for us all and made all our favorites. We had turkey, ham, dirty rice, candied yams, mac & cheese, potato salad and dinner rolls and the appetizer was her famous Gumbo. For some reason, my brother snapped a picture of her standing at the huge stove with the top of the Gumbo pot swung up into the air. Steam was filling the room and she grinned and posed as if she were a famous chef. My mother hated taking pictures but she went along without the usual complaints. We had a wonderful day together my two sisters, my brother, our husbands and wives and children. We come from a large family with my mom being one of 13 children. Our usual celebration with the 19 of us were small affairs compared to the times we spent with the larger family. This Christmas was small and intimate with my mother relishing all four of her children and grandchildren together. She would cook and clean until she was exhausted which took a lot of time for her. She had the energy and stamina of a woman half her age. We never saw it coming….

She planned to go to her childhood Louisiana home to spend the New Year cooking and cleaning for her siblings and their families. She was dedicated to her family. All of us. She was close to her brothers and sisters and all of their children and grandchildren. She made the trip to Louisiana at least once a month from Houston to New Roads, Louisiana where her roots were. She was a true Louisiana girl who needed the air, soil, cuisine and connections that you only find in the south. She moved to Houston to be with her youngest daughter. My mother lived with every one of her four children once they gave birth. My mother stopped working around 50 years old and came to live with each of us once we became parents. She helped to raise all 9 of her grandchildren. She went wherever she was needed. She allowed us to work and travel and take breaks from parenthood when we needed to. She was a steady presence in our lives and she remained that steady, strong, nurturing and at times powerful force that kept us all on the straight and narrow. She is missed beyond words. I am grateful that she went suddenly and without pain. She left this world like a saint. She sat in the tub and leaned back and was gone. There was no trauma or struggle. She went home to the one who made her. She could not be happier since that is what she lived her life to one-day do.

So, now as we enter 2016 I want to take a moment to say that 2015 was a year full of change and growth. It was full of great highs and began with a great low. I spent a lot of time last year moving between joy and sorrow. I had so many reasons to celebrate. I have a splendid life and she was there to see it all come together. She was there to see her boys take charge of their lives and head off to college to begin the journey. She was there to know and love my husband and welcome him into our amazing family. She was there to start the conversation about my wedding and she was so excited. She was not there in the flesh but her spirit was. I want to start 2016 by celebrating my mother and living my life to the fullest. I want to invite her to be with me through every step along the way. I want her to see all that she is responsible for creating and be so proud and joyful for the way we choose to honor her in the way we live our lives. I have a large framed photo of her that dominates my home office. My brother had the picture of her standing at the gumbo pot enlarged and framed so that all four of us would have a physical likeness of her with us every day. Her eyes speak to me through that picture and I am reminded of what a wonderful blessing I had for a mother.

Dawn

 

 

Getting started is the hardest part of any attempt to reclaim your power. Why does it have to be so hard? Well, I have struggled with this many times over the course of my life and I have deduced that if anything is worth doing it is going to require some push and pull. Getting motivated is the challenge. Whether it be losing weight, changing your diet, changing jobs or actively putting yourself “out there” to meet new people, you will have to push through doubt and fear to do so. Sometimes laziness is the culprit and it is equally as difficult to overcome. Luckily for me I have been blessed with the inability to rest in unrest for long. I am one of those people who has to make change happen in order to keep my sanity. When I find myself not feeling satisfied with life in any particular area I get to making changes. It might take me months or even a few years to complete the change but knowing that I am working my way toward what will make me feel whole is enough to get me through until I reach my goal.

When we are feeling stuck and unable to motivate ourselves to make necessary changes it can turn into a long, slow misery. Sometimes what we need are other people to partner with to get the wheels of change in motion. Life Coaches are made to partner, inspire, motivate and challenge you into forward motion. The necessary push you need is to take the first step and commit to doing what is necessary to reach your goal of changing your life circumstances. I will be here to pull you along. Together you will find the strength and stamina to live the life you imagine. A little push and pull is all it takes along the way….

Let’s get started…
Dawn